I have come to that time in my life when it is getting more and more difficult to hold back from what I want to say to someone.
But clearly I know if I unleash what I truly want to say it will hurt someone and maybe others.
I am to the point now, that if I say what I feel needs to be said, I may say hurtful things that I may regret later if and when this person passes on.
Why do I still have some "respect" for this person?
I have known self centered people and greedy people, but I was not close to them, I just knew them and steered clear of trying to get to close. But then there are those who you have had no choice but be close to, and I wonder how did this person get this way? Is this person capable of loving or is the only person they love themselves?
why are earthly possessions so important to this person? why does this person feel they need to show how "rich" they are? Was their childhood that horrible they must forget?
this person has no feelings except greed, and hate, they always put themselves first, Never once happy for someone they get jealous or have to say something negative.
This person has lived a good long life, has not taken good care of their self physically , they are addicted to pain medication, and denies it, this person is never happy. Never seen them smile much.
I went through and out of wedlock pregnancy and as much as I wanted to tell this person my situation I couldn't for fear of being disowned and hated more. Although they did eventually find out the big surprise, I was not spoken to by this person for several months, while living under the same roof. this person was very upset at what I had done, but now takes 100% credit for raising my child.
Why couldn't this person be more like their mother, my grandma? the greed this person has, even separated them and their own sibling after grandmas death, over greed of money. they made up years later but little to late sibling passed away soon after reconcile.
I want to scream at this person "I HATE YOU and you' re a GREEDY needy self medicating person " Is that bad?
Why have you messed me up so bad? Why do I feel I can never do anything right? Why do I always feel like a failure?
I have felt more self confident in the last 9 years because my husband has showed me I am appreciated and loved.
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Tuesday evening with elderly parents
Went to visit my elderly parents on Tuesday evening, check on them see how they are doing.
Mom had rotator surgery about two weeks ago, and is anxious to get the stitches out; but as usual there is complications she is a bleeder and her wound trickles blood, they have a visiting nurse stopping in twice a week checking her bandage, now they are testing her blood for they feel she is low on iron. She watches over dad who has dementia he is up at all hours during night and it has gotten to be to much for her. She has decided it is time to put him in nursing home. breaks my heart to know it has come to this, but in a strange way I feel relief, knowing dad will get good care and attention, and will get his medication as needed. she blames her lack of healing on watching dad, and not being able to sleep.
I am by no means a doctor, but when you eat wrong for example Twinkies, doughnuts, m&m's, no vegetables, no meals, only a hot dog or a sandwich for dinner, and breakfast was sweetened sugary cereal
with half&half and fill in other times with sweets that is not healthy. sorry I just get emotional about this whole thing angers me. "Its till death do us part."
I am not sure what mom will do with all her time once dad has been put into a nursing home, she has no hobbies, she has never been real social.
so sad :(
Mom had rotator surgery about two weeks ago, and is anxious to get the stitches out; but as usual there is complications she is a bleeder and her wound trickles blood, they have a visiting nurse stopping in twice a week checking her bandage, now they are testing her blood for they feel she is low on iron. She watches over dad who has dementia he is up at all hours during night and it has gotten to be to much for her. She has decided it is time to put him in nursing home. breaks my heart to know it has come to this, but in a strange way I feel relief, knowing dad will get good care and attention, and will get his medication as needed. she blames her lack of healing on watching dad, and not being able to sleep.
I am by no means a doctor, but when you eat wrong for example Twinkies, doughnuts, m&m's, no vegetables, no meals, only a hot dog or a sandwich for dinner, and breakfast was sweetened sugary cereal
with half&half and fill in other times with sweets that is not healthy. sorry I just get emotional about this whole thing angers me. "Its till death do us part."
I am not sure what mom will do with all her time once dad has been put into a nursing home, she has no hobbies, she has never been real social.
so sad :(
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
How peoples comments have changed me
now that I am 55 years old, I reflect back to comments people have made to me or about me over the years, and realize even though they may have been hurtful at the time, its made me a stronger person in some ways, in others I just don't care.
Back in high school, I was very shy, was not to involved in high school, I had friends outside of high school; mainly from church or my part time job.
Being from a large family we did a great deal together or I was expected to watch my younger siblings.
being very shy though, when I had to do something in front of class or in front of a group or as a group setting, I would get so much anxiety, lack of self confidence I guess not sure.
As I came into my senior year, I had enough credits so I chose not to attend high school and work full time as a morning prep manager at a fast food restaurant, I did not participate in school activities as much because I was making more friends outside of school, and enjoying making big money! LOL
Oh how I would do the opposite now. But it was all a learning experience.
I have always been heavy, never real athletic not good at much physically People made comments on how "big" I began starving myself during late teens early twenties, acne was pretty bad at times (or at least I felt it was, which probably didn't help my self esteem much)
As I have gotten older I have learned to stay away from people who are clearly hung up on how they look, physically, and financially, because that is all they truly care about is how people see them.
Being a single parent, people of the 1980's talked behind my back, and it did not help much having a child that was half Samoan, but I strived to make sure my son had as good a life as I could give him, and always cut people short when they would make a comment about my child. He grew up to be a very strong man.
Now being in mid 50's I am heavy, I am married my husband thinks I am beautiful, I have Platinum gray hair, I am a granny to two fantastic grandchildren, I have worked at the same employer for over 28 years, I have owned a home, owned cars, I have traveled, I have learned to stand up for myself and protect those I love and care for, ignore people who like to belittle others, limit stress in my life, although I have distant old friends, they have went on with their lives, and we keep in contact somewhat, but life moves on. They know they are always welcome in my life.
Back in high school, I was very shy, was not to involved in high school, I had friends outside of high school; mainly from church or my part time job.
Being from a large family we did a great deal together or I was expected to watch my younger siblings.
being very shy though, when I had to do something in front of class or in front of a group or as a group setting, I would get so much anxiety, lack of self confidence I guess not sure.
As I came into my senior year, I had enough credits so I chose not to attend high school and work full time as a morning prep manager at a fast food restaurant, I did not participate in school activities as much because I was making more friends outside of school, and enjoying making big money! LOL
Oh how I would do the opposite now. But it was all a learning experience.
I have always been heavy, never real athletic not good at much physically People made comments on how "big" I began starving myself during late teens early twenties, acne was pretty bad at times (or at least I felt it was, which probably didn't help my self esteem much)
As I have gotten older I have learned to stay away from people who are clearly hung up on how they look, physically, and financially, because that is all they truly care about is how people see them.
Being a single parent, people of the 1980's talked behind my back, and it did not help much having a child that was half Samoan, but I strived to make sure my son had as good a life as I could give him, and always cut people short when they would make a comment about my child. He grew up to be a very strong man.
Now being in mid 50's I am heavy, I am married my husband thinks I am beautiful, I have Platinum gray hair, I am a granny to two fantastic grandchildren, I have worked at the same employer for over 28 years, I have owned a home, owned cars, I have traveled, I have learned to stand up for myself and protect those I love and care for, ignore people who like to belittle others, limit stress in my life, although I have distant old friends, they have went on with their lives, and we keep in contact somewhat, but life moves on. They know they are always welcome in my life.
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