Problems of parenting with your EX

For the past 9 years I have  watched parental alienation slowly take place with my husband and his two children being the victims. At first it was difficult to understand, because divorce was not common in our family. I had friends that divorced, but they were mutually friendly in front of the children.

We met and fell in love about 9 years ago and he had suffer a great deal of loss' including the break up of his marriage and having to relocate to Midwest to stay with family because his soon to be ex had bought him a plane ticket back home from the upper west coast. I could not imagine saying goodbye to my children like he had to.

he was frail and very depressed his health was not good at all, and he had just loss his mother and brother and dad all within about a 7 month period. all with the same heart disease he has.
At first  he would call his children a few times a week and they would visit for a while, at that time his children were 9 and 4.  being that his health was not allowing him to hold down a full time job, he couldn't send much for gifts or things, so I would help out. We had applied for disability but that is a long process so we were waiting it out. We would send the children little tokens of things from Midwest or movies so forth. We found out since we had to send everything to his ex's work because she didn't want packages delivered to her home. we find that the children never received their gifts, or gift cards. hmmmm, slowly the eldest child was growing into a teen, and had several issues from the break up of the family so she was seeing a therapist, and  had grown to disrespect her dad a great deal. Saying he abandoned them, and didn't care for them we could over hear his ex in the back ground telling them what to say that was hateful. This continued for about two years then his ex found out we had gotten married. OMG things blew then  of course we had already told the children we were getting married. She had already gotten married, and within six months of her marriage she was separated. (they reconciled when she blew a gasket when we got married), he was approved for disability finally! and we find out he should modify child support because between what his month support was for children and what he was behind on left him nothing to use towards meds or anything. Another gasket was blown! she hit the roof, we found out she was getting most of his disability check and drawing off of social security for the kids. nearly $1000 a month and she bragged, but modification went through and he has to pay nothing but the back pay and she draws off his social security until kids are 18 or 21.

She took us to court several times, finally asking that he not contact children anymore cause they feared for their lives. (which judge didn't get were she was going with that being that there were never any threats or anything) She claimed that has put them all in therapy because they have nightmares and fears he will show up to take them. which is BS. Although my husband did send his ex text messages out of anger but he never threaten her. just calling her out on her BS. its is difficult fighting a case when you live in Midwest state and they live on the coastal state, but luckily the court allow phone hearings, and mediation. which got us no where, she stuck to her guns and my husband finally agreed to no contact until they are 18 which one will be 18 tomorrow. He wanted the children to have peace of mind. He had very little influence on them since they were never with him. She slowly cut off phone and email contact, prior to the hearings. had the eldest child well informed on her side of the whole mess. which is sad. they have moved at least 6 times in 9 years, at one time we had someone calling us looking for his ex that it was urgent we didn't know what was going on we were concerned for the children.
Since we have been cut off from any sort contact we had discovered several disturbing tweets from his eldest child, and we became very concerned about the whole mess. I guess I got a little to brave and emailed her husband and explained how worried, and his ex wife who he is still friends, then I wrote my husbands ex and introduced myself.
Well we ended back up in court, she felt we were threating her so I was now included in the no contact and she and her family were included in it. Weird thing is she (ex  wife) is close friends with her ex husbands  aunt (who she never met) and his stepdad and his children (who she never met) and her ex husbands now ex best friend.  Why is it ok for her to contact her ex husbands family and friends and tell all kinds of stories to them and have them spy on us but we can not know anything about them?  Do we care? NO We just want those poor innocent children to be safe and well.
I keep those children in my prayers that they are not totally ruined.

Stay tuned.....

thoughtful husband and Christmas

Having a thoughtful caring husband is wonderful but at Christmas time, why does he always ask "what do you need this year?"

to which I reply "I don't really neeeeed anything" and he replies "what can I get you, you deserve something nice." and I reply "surprise me!"

This has went on for the last 7 years, how do you ladies out there who have been married for much longer handle this?

I definitely know not to tell him clothes, because his taste is much different than my conservative comfortable taste! LOL

For some reason he thinks I love pink, pink everything. I have told him no I don't want pink.
some is ok but not everything, pink phone holder, pink shirts, pink socks, pink earrings. NO!

I know he means well.... but just surprise me... but keep the receipt! LOL don't get me wrong he has great taste, just at times its a bit much.

Then comes the shopping for my son and daughter in law and grandkids...
I know he loves to spoil I do too... but sometimes a couple of toys for the grandkids is better than all toys, they need clothes and other stuff too.

We set a budget and he just ignores it!  I love him dearly...

Men are like big children... they get so excited during the holidays... they want special food dishes made, and their Christmas lighting! it is nice, but when its all over, they are not too excited on putting it away! LOL


This year Christmas will be a bit different with my dad in nursing home, and mom all alone.

Some siblings have other plans so they can just relax and recharge. 

But in the long run it will be a very special Christmas, we have so much to be thankful for no matter what we get under that tree.

In case I do not get a chance to write again before the Christmas Holiday, Wishing you all a very blessed Christmas

 

A very different Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Greetings to all:

It has been a very emotional and busy 8 months for our family, we had to sell the family farm, and relocated our parents to the city in a much smaller place near us.

Then Dad's Alzheimer's/ Dementia has sped up he is now in a Nursing home and mom is living alone for the first time in her 74 years of life.  Taking care of dad got to much for her, his hallucinations and not sleeping it was a hard choice but it was for the best.

Each one of my siblings and their family's have decided to celebrate their own way this year. Some with mom some of us with our own little families or just leaving town.

Dad will be visited as he always is, somehow he is comforted even though he does not acknowledge us.

We each have our own way of preparing ourselves for what is coming with our parents.  it is very difficult for my son he is the first grandson of my parents, and he did not have a father growing up so his grandpa was his father figure.  

Please be safe this Thanksgiving Holiday and Love and hugs to all of your families.

biting my tongue

I have come to that time in my life when it is getting more and more difficult to hold back from what I want to say to someone.
But clearly I know if I unleash what I truly want to say it will hurt someone and maybe others.

I am to the point now, that if I say what I feel needs to be said, I may say hurtful things that I may regret later if and when this person passes on.

Why do I still have some "respect" for this person?

I have known self centered people and greedy people, but I was not close to them, I just knew them and steered clear of trying to get to close. But then there are those who you have had no choice but be close to, and I wonder how did this person get this way? Is this person capable of loving or is the only person they love themselves?

why are earthly possessions so important to this person? why does this person feel they need to show how "rich" they are? Was their childhood that horrible they must forget?
 
this person has no feelings except greed, and hate, they always put themselves first, Never once happy for someone they get jealous or have to say something negative.

This person has lived a good long life, has not taken good care of their self physically , they are addicted to pain medication, and denies it, this person is never happy. Never seen them smile much.

I went through and out of wedlock pregnancy and as much as I wanted to tell this person my situation I couldn't for fear of  being disowned and hated more. Although they did eventually find out the big surprise, I was not spoken to by this person for several months, while living under the same roof. this person was very upset at what I had done, but now takes  100% credit for raising my child.

Why couldn't this person be more like their mother, my grandma? the greed this person has, even separated them and their own sibling after grandmas death, over greed of money. they made up years later but little to late sibling passed away soon after reconcile.
 
I want to scream at this person "I HATE YOU and you' re a GREEDY needy  self medicating person " Is that bad?

Why have you messed me up so bad? Why do I feel I can never do anything right? Why do I always feel like a failure?
I have felt more self confident in the last 9 years because my husband has showed me I am appreciated and loved.

Tuesday evening with elderly parents

Went to visit my elderly parents on Tuesday evening, check on them see how they are doing.
Mom had rotator surgery about two weeks ago, and is anxious to get the stitches out; but as usual there is complications she is a bleeder and her wound trickles blood, they have a visiting nurse stopping in twice a week checking her bandage, now they are testing her blood for they feel she is low on iron. She watches over dad who has dementia he is up at all hours during night and it has gotten to be to much for her. She has decided it is time to put him in nursing home. breaks my heart to know it has come to this, but in a strange way I feel relief, knowing dad will get good care and attention, and will get his medication as needed. she blames her lack of healing on watching dad, and not being able to sleep.
I am by no means a doctor, but when you eat wrong for example Twinkies, doughnuts, m&m's, no vegetables, no meals, only a hot dog or a sandwich for dinner, and breakfast was sweetened sugary cereal
with half&half and fill in other times with sweets that is not healthy. sorry I just get emotional about this whole thing angers me. "Its till death do us part."



I am not sure what mom will do with all her time once dad has been put into a nursing home, she has no hobbies, she has never been real social.

so sad  :(

How peoples comments have changed me

now that I am 55 years old, I reflect back to comments people have made to me or about me over the years, and realize even though they may have been hurtful at the time, its made me a stronger person in some ways, in others I just don't care.

Back in high school, I was very shy, was not to involved in high school, I had friends outside of high school; mainly from church or my part time job.
Being from a large family we did a great deal together or I was expected to watch my younger siblings.
being very shy though, when I had to do something in front of class or in front of a group or as a group setting, I would get so much anxiety, lack of self confidence I guess not sure.

As I came into my senior year, I had enough credits so I chose not to attend high school and work full time as a morning prep manager at a fast food restaurant, I did not participate in school activities as much because I was making more friends outside of school, and enjoying making big money! LOL
Oh how I would do the opposite now. But it was all a learning experience.
I have always been heavy, never real athletic not good at much physically  People made comments on how "big" I began starving myself during late teens early twenties, acne was pretty bad at times (or at least I felt it was, which probably didn't help my self esteem much)

As I have gotten older I have learned to stay away from people who are clearly hung up on how they look, physically, and financially, because that is all they truly care about is how people see them.

Being a single parent, people of the 1980's talked behind my back, and it did not help much having a child that was half Samoan, but I strived to make sure my son had as good a life as I could give him, and always cut people short when they would make a comment about my child.  He grew up to be a very strong man.
Now being in mid 50's I am heavy, I am married my husband thinks I am beautiful, I have Platinum gray hair, I am a granny to two fantastic grandchildren, I have worked at the same employer for over 28 years, I have owned a home, owned cars,  I have traveled, I have learned to stand up for myself and protect those I love and care for, ignore people who like to belittle others, limit stress in my life, although I have distant old friends, they have went on with their lives, and we keep in contact somewhat, but life moves on. They know they are always welcome in my life.

Another Evening of Dad Sitting

I spent another Tuesday evening sitting with my dad who has dementia. I can see his decline each week.
It amazes me how busy he is now, its like watching a toddler discover things, last night he was trying to take some coats "down stairs" (there is not a downstairs) folding and unfolding shirts. visiting with his imaginary people laughing and mumbling.
It is so difficult seeing him like this.
dad use to be very laid back and relaxed now he is busy but gets nothing done.
He has an appointment with another doctor the middle of September, not real sure what will come of this visit but we must try what we can to hold onto what we got.
Mom is having her surgery on her shoulder replacement next week.
Dementia is such a horrible disease I would rank it right up there with cancer, for what we have seen happen to our strong, intelligent daddy has been very difficult for all of us, he has become a shell of the man he was, you get little glimpses of the real dad once in a while but briefly ,he still knows us, that I count my blessings for.
For those who have dealt or are dealing with a loved one with dementia I can relate, each of us has our own stories, sometimes you just have to laugh at what they are doing, its either that or cry and that time will come.
It just helps me to write about it. 

Where do you want to go?

ok I got to ask, have you ever had this on going irritating ritual you and your significant other go through to choose a place to eat?
him:"Where do you want to go tonight?"
Me: :"I don't care"
him: "What are you hungry for?"


Me: "nothing particular, I am easy to please, what do you want?"


Him: "I don't care"


This goes on for several minutes every time we go out, and we get agitated at each other, Why?
I say go a head and choose, I will be fine with it, and he says we can just stay home then... LOL
Lets just get pizza or something, great I am fine with that!


Does this happen with you?

Dad sitting

last night was my evening to "dad sit" while mom ran some errands.
Dad is soon to be 78 and suffers for dementia, he is slipping away quickly. It is so sad, he was such a rock, and intelligent now he mumbles a great deal, sees things, talks about very strange things.
I sure to miss my daddy, I pray for him every day that he is not suffering and that he goes peacefully when its his time.
My daddy could repair anything, was very intelligent, he was a great daddy, he worked hard all of his life, now he sits and naps and sees people and things.
He is not recognizing numbers any more nor able to remember how to get around through house.
I am trying to prepare myself for him no longer being around. I can not imagine.


He is a good Christian and he still goes to church.


Love you Daddy

Curvy for years

I want to address curvy women to which I am one.
God bless the young man who expressed how much he loves his curvy wife. I am thankful for the husband I have who loves women with curves, my husband loves me, and excepts me, I don't have to try to be a model I can be myself, I am thankful for that. Its so much easier to feel confident in myself knowing he loves me and likes to look at me. I wished there were more men in this world that were like that. I know when we were younger we all wanted to be perfect size and shape, Oh I remember the Calvin Klein jeans, I wanted a pair so badly but of course I was just a wee bit to large for them, I starved myself and ate like a rabbit and I accomplished my goal. I loved those jeans, I was so proud of myself. looking back now though it was not healthy doing what I did. I wouldn't recommend it. but it made me feel good and felt like I fit in with the small girls. I have never been a small girl nor will I ever be. I feel I am average. Going to the doctor and you are never ideal weight they always have something to say about weight. I am active and I don't have tons of health issues being 55 years old I feel I am pretty healthy.
I was raised in a large family, and mom was a fairly good cook, we all ate together each evening growing up. 5:05 sharp.
of course we had potatoes and gravy, veggie of moms choice, and some sort of beef or chicken or pork. usually fried. on occasions we had sandwiches, and chips. We rarely had soda, mainly tea or Kool-Aid.
but the one thing we did not have was cable, or internet, we played outside in the summer no matter how hot it got, we drank out of the hose, we went swimming, we rode bicycles, played tag, hide n seek, roller-skating and so much more, but when street lights came on you had to be back in your yard.
So life is good for this curvy girl, I admit there were a few times in my life I was huge, unhealthy but I lost those pounds and each time I did something wonderful happened I regained self confidence.

HOLOPROSENCEPHALY (HPE)

My granddaughter Ivy is a little over two years old, she was born with Holoprosencephaly (HPE) the failure of the brain to divide completely into two hemispheres.
Ivy has and exceptional brain. she has lobar HPE which means the front of her brain is connected.
she also has ACC she is missing her corpus calosum (white matter) her brain does not communicate with the other areas. It hinders her motor development.


She is our miracle she is remarkable. Such a loving caring little sweet pea.


She is so lucky to have parents who are teachers, and have patience and work with her along with children's mercy hospital, and of course she has a big brother Isaac who loves her and plays with her.


I am so thankful each day that I have the people in my life that are so loving and caring, and who have blessed me In so many ways.

proud mom

Feeling refreshed today, after so many uncertain months of ups and downs maybe life will just be a more normal mode for now.


Had a nice visit with my parents last evening, mom actually cooked a full meal, it was good to see them well rested and she was some what pleasant.


Dads mood was good, he was not having any hallucinations he was enjoy conversation, and said he had sat on the front porch some, watching traffic.


I am glad my parents are closer to all of us now, but mom still does things that irritate me enormously. without seeing a shrink, I would say my hang ups with my mom are normal, we will never be close because she don't allow it with anyone, of course she blames everything on her mother like I blame on her.


the one thing I feel I did better with  raising my son with love. he is my pride and joy. Great young man, with a beautiful family.
my son is outgoing, loves to perform in local musicals, he is a elementary teacher, a Christian and he a good husband and father. Oh yes he is handsome too! I am a proud granny to two gorgeous grand children!


Yes I am proud of him cause I was a single parent, his father was my first true love, We did not plan on getting pregnant but it happened, somewhere along the line after a year and half together, he asked me to marry him, and move to Samoa with him, I couldn't do that I was 7 month pregnant and 23 years old.
Unfortunately he left without me, we kept in touch for a short while, but after a while nothing.   I was so heartbroken. depressed. And pregnant


I gave very natural birth to a fantastic big boy! My dad sent a wire message to sons father in Samoa to let him know, his Aunty came to visit me in hospital and said if I didn't want to keep him she would adopt him, but I raised him with the help  of my family. I bought a house and did our thing.
My son has only met with his father twice, his father is now married and has three  grown children with his wife, in Colorado. I have no ill feelings towards him, a part of me will always love him, for if he hadn't given me this child I wouldn't have had the joys and trials I have had. Sure it would have been easier having child support and having his father in his life, but that is not what was in the cards for us. His father will have to deal with the loss of knowing this wonderful young man.